I tried to review the year 2022, but then on January 2nd 2023, my father passed away. That's a strong and blunt opening line, but I have no other way to start describing a year that had me move jobs and cities multiple times and also finally turn my family's world upside down.
The beginning of the year was about LIBOR transition at the time of Corona. At work, it meant uncertainties, wrangling with IT and mid office to implement changes about which I was also learning on the go from online articles, other banks and through trial and error. The omicron wave lashed at my home as well, but the effects then were minimal while the long term damage will remain unknown.
A deserved break and visit to my in-laws in Thrissur was upended when, out of the blue, exactly a year ago to this day, the Bank made it clear that it would transfer me back to retail banking, albeit near home, as per the newly minted HR policy which gave primacy to branch banking. The policy deserves an entire thesis to be devoted to dissect it's pros and cons and impact on the Bank and it's personnel- hence I do not wish to delve into that now. For me, it meant family would be unattended in Mumbai while I would be at home, or so I thought.
That was when I realised the difference between a home and a house. I was alone at my house that had been my permanent address since birth, but I did not feel comfortable. Without my family, I felt suffocated and rudderless.
That did not have to last long fortunately, as after a lot of bureaucratic wrangling, I was able to get my family back home, which I thought would be the beginning of some stability.
Stability- I have lost sight of what that means. When I joined in Kerala, I was a fish out of water- transplanted from the world of market risk to credit risk. It was not just uncomfortable but even hostile. I must admit that the immediate environment was very supportive, but it was more like inmates at a prison trying to make each other feel better and hoping for an escape or serving out their sentence before losing all hope for a normal life.
The initial period was a struggle but I felt hardwork would give results. My stance was vindicated and my usual strategy of studying, reading and just brute force trial and error worked, or so it seemed. There were results, but it was all in vain as I could not escape the pitfalls of retail banking in SBI. This too deserves to be analysed thoroughly, which I would leave for a later post.
I had to leave, for peace of mind, and realised the purpose of fear and anxiety - it's meant to force us to get out of threatening scenarios and if that's not possible, survive it. Right from the day I joined, I was afraid of such a turn of events. Everyone dismissed it as unreasonable and attributed it to my mind's failings. The riposte from management or seniors was that "so many people are doing it, what is the problem with you?".
I like to think that the answer is "I have other options while others are scared to explore anything outside" and not "I'm too scared and not as brave as them".
And so, I left. Some say it was a brave call, I felt it was unwise and hasty. But either way, I felt it was the only option. The interregnum was scary, but the emergence of options made it easier with time, each of which had Bangalore as the destination.
The options emerged due to the risks I took in 2017. At that time, it looked hasty and unwise. I left everything and everyone I knew and dived into unfamiliar depths. I was broken down, all my limitations - anxiety, homesickness, lack of self confidence- laid bare infront of an unforgiving city that pushed me to the edge, before I was able to claw my way back.
Thus having seen off Mumbai, Bangalore seemed a step down in all aspects- despite the city's famed IT sector, it's not as fast paced as Mumbai. For me, the lack of sunshine and slow paced work were mood dampeners. The profile was also not what I wanted at the time, but perhaps it was what I needed then - something easy to pick myself up after the complete dismantling of my confidence at the hands of top management.
Perhaps Bangalore had the same opinion about me- you're not suited here. Senior colleges definitely thought so- I had to go back to what I was doing before, go full circle and start off again. Another role change and location change beckoned me.
As I prepared for this, the new year brought dad news right in its early days and the rest of the year will go in getting used to a new reality. The sudden loss meant that I had never saw him an old man- he was full of life, activity and shouldering responsibilities till the end. I never had a chance to create a memory to remember him and all I'm left with are memories of daily life- the list making on things to be done each day, analysis of deposit interest rates, driving somewhere (wouldn't let me drive if he was also in the car!!), taking care of my daughter, supervising the labourer who cleared the land, grocery shopping...
I'm not able to accept that he's gone, naturally since it's been less than 50 days. But to live on without being able to plan and manage things without his "audit", to take decisions with long term implications without his insights and the fallback option that he provided- it'll be doable but I'll miss him.
A year of challenges thus gives way to an era of even greater challenges and responsibilities. But this time, there wouldn't be the bulwark that my father was. During my last stint in Mumbai, the limited options in terms of housing, location, pay and comforts that came with SBI were set off by him and perks from his job. Going back hence would be a new challenge, but after having faced off once before, I know what to expect. Plus, the constraints of SBI do not bind me anymore.
While seeking counsel on what to do about the situation at home, one of my SBI seniors told me "life must move on" and I realise more scope for those words each day. I need to live, work, take care of family and then one day, put what has happened behind me and begin to enjoy life fully. Might not be this year though, but I need to get ready for that.
