Best Actor

At school and for most people who knew me, I was seen as a nerd- someone who spent almost his entire time studying. This perception only got reinforced when I started succeeding in quiz competitions. So, I was always studying from textbooks or quiz books- never mind the fact that quizzing is not about mugging up questions and fact but requires a good understanding of what is happening in our world.

So, it would come as a shock to this crowd that I have spent a considerable amount of time on movies. Starting with late Saturdayu night Hindi movies on Doordarshan and now continuing with bingeing on new releases in OTT platforms.

Here I am, on another Saturday night, about to watch Kaathal, the latest one from Mammootty. Until very recently, I was of the strong opinion that Mohanlal was a better actor. Both their oeuvre consist of mindblowing performances in the tragedy/ drama genre- to Mammotty's Thaniyavarthanam, I present  Mohanlal's Thalavattom. Yathra and Bhoothakkanadi can definitely hold themselves against Yathramozhi and Bhramaram. There are many more and would take more than one night out to merely list them head to head. The tragedy/ drama thus see the thespians evenly matched and it is a matter of pride for all Malayalees.

When it comes to the action genre, both of them had memorable performances playing the angry (sometimes young, unfortunately too young for their real age) man, fighting the good cause against the entrenched elite like Mahanagaram, Inspector Balram etc for Mammotty and Adwaitham, Abhimanyu etc for Mohanlal. However, both of them did immense disservice to themselves and to Malayalam cinema by choosing several larger than life, chauvinistic and macho roles which do not deserve to be mentioned.

Both of the have also performed well in the playing the 

consummate family man in movies like Aviduthe Pole Ivideyum,  Bharatham, 

Thus far, they are evenly matched and now come the reasons why I saw Mohanlal as a better actor. He played the angst, ambition and helplessness that we all go through in life way better than Mammootty in movies like Mithunam, T P Balagopalan MA, Mukundetta Sumitra Vilikkunnu, Varavelppu, Vellakanalude Naadu, Nadodikkatu etc and that too in a way we did not feel sorry for the character. We could relate to them (just try to get any basic government service delivered even in these days of liberalisation, privatisation and globalisation, you will feel the pain), but we also felt light-hearted since these movies used comedy to depict the ground level realities of life.

Thus, although the Priyadarshan- Mohanlal combo provided us several slapstick comedy movies and Mammootty has nevern been able to pull this off, my rating of Mohanlal as a better came from the above described depiction of the realities of life through comedy, even black comedy. This had been my opinion until recently. 

However, several movies from the last couple of years have made me rethink my stance on this matter. Mohanlal has been consumed by a larger than life persona in most films including his biggest hit "Lucifer" while most such films have been duds and disappointing to watch for a connoiseur of good acting. The thespian had downgraded his own talent and craft while roles doing justice to the old Mohanlal were too few and far in between like Drishyam.

It is here that Mammootty has scored a decisive point as he has been quite selective and done the opposite of Mohanlal. Yes, there have been duds and disappointments, but they have been too far and few in between. Movies like Unda, Puzhu, Kannur Squad, Rorschak etc are unique in their storytelling- they are dark, real and the main character has shades of darkness in himself in many of them. A few years ago, he appeared in a movie called "Munnariyippu" and this is when he perhaps began reinventing himself, rebuilt his image and played roles more suited to his age and skill. These were not phenomenal performances by themselves, but were rather proof of the fact that when backed by a good story, the tasty dish of acting when served in a shiny and clean vessel, it can be a delectable treat.

As I reach the culmination of my quest to answer who is a better actor now, the final flourish, the helicopter six at Wankhede in 2011, the Fergie time goal by Solskjaer in 1999, the mike drop moment comes from the movie "Kathal-The Core". The movie does not have a stand-out sequence of phenomenal performance, but look at each moment, when the wife wishes her husband the best for the upcoming election or when the brother-in-law says he wants to support his sister and numerous such small snaps, you will see that the actor has done justice to a very difficult role in a socially relevant subject.

Mammootty and Mohanlal will do more movies, Malayalam still awaits the inheritors to their thrones, both are great actors in their own right, but to me right now, Mammootty has moved ahead, after several decades and hundreds of movies in their careers.

Redemption or Perdition

For years I have been trying,

to create for my mind,

a haven of peace.

Alone I have been crying,

I have not been able to find,

from my fears a release.

Each day with dread I face,

Is my fate to be a burden?

Will I ever achieve redemption?

I am not good enough in the race,

Hence I keep myself hidden.

Perhaps I am already in perdition.

Questions on God

Two quotes which I have come across at different times time popped into my head today- "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" by John Lennon and "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans" by Woody Allen.

Putting the two together, I make plans, I make God laugh and life just goes on. For the last 19 months, that has been the story of my life. It is not worth repeating every setback, large and small, but suffice it to say that my life has completely changed and I am at a complete loss as to what is happening.

Whether it is my child's health and education, my wife's illness, my mother's struggle with the suddenly enforced loneliness, my own hopeless efforts at work, I  have had little say or part in any of it except as a member of the audience or at best, an unwitting participant from the audience.

It is my own life and I am just a spectator with no role, no control over the dialogue and no idea what is coming up. It is being played out infront of me and there is little I can do about what is happening.

Given this, I have decided to stop god from laughing. First, there are no more plans since I have realised that there is no point in them. I am not doing any self-destructive or just giving up, but I have stopped expecting anything from life, neither the bad nor the good.

Next, I have stopped believing in God. As a child, I used to pray for something for my benefit, then moved to wishing good for the world and my family, then to the right thoughts at the right time and none of these have ever worked.

The gradual shift happened since I realised that the first was just plain selfish and silly. Then, the second was a worthy cause and I tried to do something about it as well but it fell apart which led me to focus more on my own life but in an unselfish way. They have all fallen apart now and need a new way to see my relationship with God.

I am not going to be an atheist and outright deny the existence of god. But for me, the growing doubts have become too much to ignore. Earlier, I used to believe that no matter what happened to the rest of the world, at least there was some fairness in what was happening to me and hence there is a god and I need to be thankful for that.

But now, recent experiences have cast a pall of gloom so thick that I cannot see the point in a god. I would like to start with what is happening in the world because I admit that my problems and issues may be too small for god to be bothered. 

Things are going wrong all over the word- war, famine, crime and disease- killing, injuring, hurting, starving and destroying people who have done nothing wrong! It is obvious that there is no fairness in this world. If there is no fairness, what is the point in believing in a God?

Then there is the question my mother asked a long time ago- if there is a God who determines how we live our life and is all powerful, then how can we be punished for what we did wrong when we did not even act of our own free will? I will drop this argument and admit that there is a god, but not the all powerful and all knowing provider of justice. Then what is God?

If God cannot even prioritise the destruction mankind is bringing up on itself and the planet, if he can allow war and rampant poverty, if he can allow one group of humans to subjugate and strangle another group to death, what is he doing? What greater task is he busying himself with?

Thus, as far as the world is concerned, there is no point in having a god as proved by whatever has been happening in the world since the dawn of time.

Then it is my personal stance and as far that is concerned, I have never believed in rituals and poojas and rites. There are some that offer us consolation and closure, like the last rites after a death- it gives us the relief that we have done all we can for that person and it is only for our peace of mind. I do not think there is an afterlife, last judgement, heaven or hell and that once we die, that is it. No matter what we say about soul, or as per hinduism, soul returning to the creator (vishnupadam, brahman etc), I believe the individual just ceases to exist and nothing more.

I believe that most rituals are merely eyewash, to provide an illusion of hope and there will be fairness in this world. It is to pull a veil of expectation that if we do the right thing, we will have a good life and the world will be kinder to us.

Then, it is about silent and unnoticed prayers and hope. I earlier mentioned that my trials and tribulations over the last year and a half have left me with little space for belief in god. Life just goes on and has taken me wherever it feels like and each day is a preparation for whatever worse is to come the next day.

There is no relief but only incessant challenges from which, not only there is no victory, but there is only the certainty of defeat and I feel this is the situation with everyone in the world. We have no chance to win because the world has infinite time and opportunities to knock us down and claim victory.

In this gloom, the only thing we can do is to be a little kinder to each other, reduce our selfishness, care and share what we have since all of us are facing our own battles and every speck of relief from the battle helps us live a little better.

We need to do this ourselves and no god is going to come by and shower us with blessings and luck and favourable circumstances. We need to take care of each other and the planet we live in. That is the only solution if we are to have any hope and future- it is not going to be in the hands of god, but in our collective, conscientious effort that we will find a better world.

Photographic Memories

We used to take a photograph to permanently preserve a precious moment of our lives and sometimes the moment becomes precious just on account of the fact that it has been photographed. This was in the era when we were limited by the costs of a roll of film and processing it, along with the onerous tasks of preparing both the camera and ourselves for a shot and then finding a studio to convert the negatives into tangible photographs.

Nowadays, we take photographs not for memories but for instantly sharing it with the world. Rather than looking back at a time that has long gone by, we broadcast it for instant consumption and then discard it, not transfer, into a hard-disc (or google drive), rarely to be dug up or even remembered.

However, Google photos has taken a contrary position as it reminds us of various "pics", to use the contemporary term for photographs, we have taken over time and uploaded on Google. Since I am alone for most of the week, I go through these pics and recollect the context behind them- a birthday, a trip, a festival or an ordinary outing and in case of my daughter, just about any interesting thing she said or did during her first 2 years and they still bring a smile to my face.

When I go home, I show these pics to my daughter and she is as enthralled by her own antics as if she is watching her favorite disney princess movie. I also actively collude in her self indulgence.

However, I am not home during weekdays and only during weekends do I see my family. During most of the week, photographs are a reminder of what I miss each day since they not just show me random moments frozen in time, but I am usually able to place those moments as part of a bigger story about the events that surround each pic.

Thus, memories are not records of a happy past but a cruel and painful reminder of what I have lost and what I miss. This is especially true of all good memories that have been preserved in pics. They are proof of what I used to have and there is little hope of getting them back. I can see and almost feel, but can never reach them. The happy and peaceful moments are gone and I am drowning in uncertainty, anxiety and loneliness.

As far as memories of unpleasant experiences go, since they have not been photographed fortunately, they do not come up frequently. I am glad that they are over and hence it is a relief, but experience suggests that bad times repeat more often than good ones. Hence, they are scary reminders of what lies ahead.

Am I then condemned to be always haunted by memories, whether they are happy or sad? I do not want to carry them like a burden and I do not want to feel what is fondly called "nostalgia" for I have never understood why it is such a romanticised and glorified word as it only means reminders of a past long gone and unreachable.

I want to live in the present and look ahead to the future. I neither want to relive the pains of the past nor be reminded that I cannot get back what I once had. Past has got me to the present, but more than a sense of token gratitude, I cannot bear them as a burden anymore as they hurt me more than I can suffer.

I hope there is something in the future that is happy and worth living for. I wish that I am not past all the good times in my life and that there is more to be lived in gladness and peace.

The Year That Was

I tried to review the year 2022, but then on January 2nd 2023, my father passed away. That's a strong and blunt opening line, but I have no other way to start describing a year that had me move jobs and cities multiple times and also finally turn my family's world upside down.

The beginning of the year was about LIBOR transition at the time of Corona. At work, it meant uncertainties, wrangling with IT and mid office to implement changes about which I was also learning on the go from online articles, other banks and through trial and error. The omicron wave lashed at my home as well, but the effects then were minimal while the long term damage will remain unknown.

A deserved break and visit to my in-laws in Thrissur was upended when, out of the blue, exactly a year ago to this day, the Bank made it clear that it would transfer me back to retail banking, albeit near home, as per the newly minted HR policy which gave primacy to branch banking. The policy deserves an entire thesis to be devoted to dissect it's pros and cons and impact on the Bank and it's personnel- hence I do not wish to delve into that now. For me, it meant family would be unattended in Mumbai while I would be at home, or so I thought.

That was when I realised the difference between a home and a house. I was alone at my house that had been my permanent address since birth, but I did not feel comfortable. Without my family, I felt suffocated and rudderless. 

That did not have to last long fortunately, as after a lot of bureaucratic wrangling, I was able to get my family back home, which I thought would be the beginning of some stability.

Stability- I have lost sight of what that means. When I joined in Kerala, I was a fish out of water- transplanted from the world of market risk to credit risk. It was not just uncomfortable but even hostile. I must admit that the immediate environment was very supportive, but it was more like inmates at a prison trying to make each other feel better and hoping for an escape or serving out their sentence before losing all hope for a normal life.

The initial period was a struggle but I felt hardwork would give results. My stance was vindicated and my usual strategy of studying, reading and just brute force trial and error worked, or so it seemed. There were results, but it was all in vain as I could not escape the pitfalls of retail banking in SBI. This too deserves to be analysed thoroughly, which I would leave for a later post.

I had to leave, for peace of mind, and realised the purpose of fear and anxiety - it's meant to force us to get out of threatening scenarios and if that's not possible, survive it. Right from the day I joined, I was afraid of such a turn of events. Everyone dismissed it as unreasonable and attributed it to my mind's failings. The riposte from management or seniors was that "so many people are doing it, what is the problem with you?". 

I like to think that the answer is "I have other options while others are scared to explore anything outside" and not "I'm too scared and not as brave as them". 

And so, I left. Some say it was a brave call, I felt it was unwise and hasty. But either way, I felt it was the only option. The interregnum was scary, but the emergence of options made it easier with time, each of which had Bangalore as the destination.

The options emerged due to the risks I took in 2017. At that time, it looked hasty and unwise. I left everything and everyone I knew and dived into unfamiliar depths. I was broken down, all my limitations - anxiety, homesickness, lack of self confidence- laid bare infront of an unforgiving city that pushed me to the edge, before I was able to claw my way back.

Thus having seen off Mumbai, Bangalore seemed a step down in all aspects- despite the city's famed IT sector, it's not as fast paced as Mumbai. For me, the lack of sunshine and slow paced work were mood dampeners. The profile was also not what I wanted at the time, but perhaps it was what I needed then - something easy to pick myself up after the complete dismantling of my confidence at the hands of top management.

Perhaps Bangalore had the same opinion about me- you're not suited here. Senior colleges definitely thought so- I had to go back to what I was doing before, go full circle and start off again. Another role change and location change beckoned me. 

As I prepared for this, the new year brought dad news right in its early days and the rest of the year will go in getting used to a new reality. The sudden loss meant that I had never saw him an old man- he was full of life, activity and shouldering responsibilities till the end. I never had a chance to create a memory to remember him and all I'm left with are memories of daily life- the list making on things to be done each day, analysis of deposit interest rates, driving somewhere (wouldn't let me drive if he was also in the car!!), taking care of my daughter, supervising the labourer who cleared the land, grocery shopping... 

I'm not able to accept that he's gone, naturally since it's been less than 50 days. But to live on without being able to plan and manage things without his "audit", to take decisions with long term implications without his insights and the fallback option that he provided- it'll be doable but I'll miss him.

A year of challenges thus gives way to an era of even greater challenges and responsibilities. But this time, there wouldn't be the bulwark that my father was. During my last stint in Mumbai, the limited options in terms of housing, location, pay and comforts that came with SBI were set off by him and perks from his job. Going back hence would be a new challenge, but after having faced off once before, I know what to expect. Plus, the constraints of SBI do not bind me anymore.

While seeking counsel on what to do about the situation at home, one of my SBI seniors told me "life must move on" and I realise more scope for those words each day. I need to live, work, take care of family and then one day, put what has happened behind me and begin to enjoy life fully. Might not be this year though, but I need to get ready for that.

30 Years of LPG

The economic reforms that India has embarked on since 1991 are known as LPG or Liberalisation-Privatisation-Globalisation, abolition of License-Permit Raj and the critic favored Crony Capitalism reforms. Whatever the christening, the reforms were essential at the time and that is where I would like to begin.

At the time, it was well known that our country had run dangerously low on foreign exchange reforms and it is also widely critiqued that India was arm-twisted by the Global economic powers into the reforms. But this overly simplifies the crisis that was India was staring as it brushes aside the deeper issues in the economy. Apart from the foreign exchange issue, India had a very high fiscal deficit and inflation fuelled by government profligacies- both revenue and capital expenditure were out of control. Lack of efficiency due to restrictions on private sector and an obese public sector meant poor export competitiveness while the nature of the economy meant we could not completely avoid imports. 

The population was expanding but had no visible avenues for gainful employment apart from the microscopic private sector and inefficient small public sector. The concept of brain drain was part of school textbooks (I remember reading about it in 1999 for Civics) as the best option for an educated Indian was to follow what Gandhiji had said "Quit India". India was at the bottom of various social indicators like Infant and maternal mortality, life expectancy and literacy. As the state occupied commanding heights of the economy, it forgot to look at the grass roots level issues faced by its people.

Did the reforms resolve all the issues? The answer definitely is a NO. Then did the reforms fail? The answer there also is a NO. Although the purpose of the reforms was crisis management, the opportunity was used to rectify structural issues in the economy. How did the reforms achieve that?

Firstly, the abolition of License-Permit Raj ensured that private sector was allowed to grow. This indeed has happened and they are mostly free, especially in areas that do not require hard capital and resources. The growth of domestic steel, automotive, media, telecom and software sector is a direct result of this freedom. Secondly, the growth of private sector and greater employment for individuals reduced the need for social support while increasing government revenue which in turn contained the fiscal deficit and negated the need for fiscal profligacy which was euphemistically called deficit financing. Third, the entry of private sector without bondages enabled Indian products to be competitive in International markets and brought in much needed foreign exchange. The expectations of future growth also brought in foreign capital which has fuelled further growth in new age companies (Start-ups), infrastructure and even education (Eurokids, a pre-KG education chain has attracted foreign PE funds into India).

Next, the fact that they generated employment is stating the obvious, but they also allowed Indians to stay in India and support intellectual and economic growth in the country. Finally, as the state was being freed from running the entire economy and being the biggest player in the economy, it could now focus on being the umpire- act as a purely neutral regulator to ensure that the private sector played by the rules and also ensure progress at the grassroots level- meet basic human needs and support their upward social and economic mobility.

The reforms did not obviously generate the full results. One of the major reasons significant discretionary and opaque control over resources still lies with the state. The 2G and Coalgate scams owe their origins to this state control. Continued environment issues and unabated deforestation also owe their origin to Government interference in resource allocation under influence of the powers that be. The government also did not fully embrace social support as early as it should have. Our progress in various human development indices and social sector is behind that of Bangladesh and Srilanka which had lower economic success when compared to India.  

Another issue was that when the change happened in 1991, there was a small class of Indians that were able to benefit from the resources. They were educated (Engineers, MBAs, Doctors etc)  or in Government jobs (I benefitted from here as both my parents had Government jobs and so under that safety and periodic salary revisions, I had the freedom to study or pursue my own goals) or had already established business houses (Tata, Birla, Ambani, Godrej etc). For them, the reforms provided the opportunity to fully utilise their potential. 

As a small section of the population benefitted from the reforms, the majority were in no position to take advantage of the changes sweeping through the nation. The state in fact, withdrew too much in certain areas- especially health, education, infrastructure and agriculture- and was late to assume the role of a regulator as it took time to find its way through the maze. Meanwhile, a majority of the population was caught in a torrent and thrown out of control as private sector started taking over or polluting land, water, forests and the air while having no access to education to lift them out of their situation, lacked health to fight for their rights and had opportunities restricted by the lack of infrastructure.

I would like to elaborate with the example of agriculture in India. State support for farmers is now on the decline, especially with the new farm laws where the government intends to promote contract farming, remove stockholding limits and abolish APMC act. The benefits and demerits of these legislations are beyond the scope of this article since we are limiting ourselves to the 1991 reforms, however this is a clear sign of withdrawal of state support. However, are farmers capable of living without this support? Are they all capable of entering into contracts with corporates? Is there a regulatory body or grievance redressal body to ensure fair transactions? 

The state has also invested very little in improving farm infrastructure and supply chain- whether it be warehouses and cold storages to paved roads for farmers to take their produce to the market. Further support in modernising their farming practices- like mechanisation, water and soil conservation, getting certification for organic farming methods, awareness building on climate change and its impact- these are areas where the private sector will not see any benefits due to its inherent short term nature.

The government needs to support co-operatisation, creation of Farmer Producer Organisations, training and education for farmers etc. But the state has continued its pre-liberalisation era policies of Minimum Support Price and politically attractive but economically and environmentally disastrous policies like free power, subsidised chemical fertilisers and high MSP for water guzzling crops.

In conclusion, in addition to freeing up the private sector, the withdrawal of the state from the commanding heights of the economy should have freed up the government to divert its attention and resources generated from privatisation and new revenue streams to improving the daily lives of its masses and build a level playing field. Unfortunately, the excess withdrawal of state in certain sectors lead to the fruits of reforms of 1991 being restricted to a small minority that had the potential at the time while the majority of the population still needs state support to build their potential to utilise the opportunity presented by the reforms. The lack of effective and timely regulatory measures also played a part in cornering of resources by a savvy few which also needs to be effectively rectified.

BKC in Times of Corona

Bandra Kurla Complex in Mumbai is a hussle of activity during weekdays as lakhs pour into dozens of swanky glass panelled buildings. Mammoth buildings of government offices and public sector enterprises rub shoulders with public, private and foreign banks in BKC which is also host to a few corporate offices. The diamond bourse deserves special mention due to its sheer size and the activity of diamond trading that happens here.

Apart from the morning and evening rush hour during weekdays, the place is filled with people out for a smoke during the day and for a drink the evenings. Weekends also attract a fair crowd due to the smattering of restaurants that occupy the ground floor of most buildings. But all these are descriptions of the past- an era before covid made BKC a hub of desolate glass castles. By the middle of March, most of the offices had send its staff home and implemented work from home. The crowds thinned and by the time lockdown was implemented from March 24, the place had an eerie silence at all times. As I stay in BKC and since my office has temporarily moved to another building in BKC, I have been able to observe the place over the last three months. During the days of work from home, I have taken the liberty offered by the desolate area to walk around a bit.

During April, BKC ground was host to the APMC market and it was interesting to see trucks lined up on both sides of the road in the evening waiting to enter the market. During one of my trips to office in the morning, I also saw a lorry full of cauliflower, probably waiting to drop off its cargo in the market at night. Till the first of June, it had been just a few cars and some trucks carrying equipment to set up the covid care centre and ambulances ferrying patients to the centre. Large queues had also appeared in front of the diamond bourse as it obtained special permission to operate during the lockdown, thus becoming the first unit to commence operation.

During my evening walks, I have observed a gradual increase in those using the low traffic and wide roads to practice and hone their driving skills. Perhaps there are not many places like this in Mumbai where you can do these things without crowds and risk of infection and police- the place is quite desolate these days. But the same conditions also provide a secluded spot for those (usually couples) who perhaps lack the space to be alone in their own thoughts and worlds. I guess there is also a limit to what they have to talk about and so that is why there are many such duos who practice driving.

Since June though, there has been a shift in the traffic. There are more autos and taxis plying the roads, but nowhere near the dozens that waited infront of each building and ferried thousands to the nearest railway station on a shared basis. The number of personal vehicles has increased significantly, visible from the vehicles that overflow onto the wide roads due to fully occupied parking spaces in office buildings- a sign that people are resorting more to personal transport- whether due to lack of public transport, especially trains, or out of fear I do not know.

Something that I have not been able to accept, although it is as clear as daylight, is the fact that restaurants that are highly expensive attracted food delivery app based business even during the peak lockdown period and this continues even now with the addition of those coming with friends and families for takeaway which they consume inside the vehicle or huddle around the lugge compartment. It is perhaps my naivety or lack of knowledge about the real world that stops from accepting the fact that there are a lot of very rich people who could afford these previously and for them the situation has not changed except in the form of a few inconveniences that do not really affect their wealth.

Perhaps the disease will go away, perhaps we will find a way to live with it or I do not wish to ponder. I guess there will always be those who will lose a lot of the little they have and those who will lose only a little of the lot they have or even add to it. I am only an observer trying to make sense of the world as it moves on.

Home is where the heart is

I used to miss my home when in university and even while in Mumbai, I prefer the peace and comfort of home over the rush and liveliness of the city. It is not just familiarity that I miss- the greenery, water, rains, comparative lack of poverty, relative empowerment of women and indifference towards religion and caste were all features I cherished about Kerala. I considered myself lucky to have been born in there.

I used to be proud of the political awareness of the people who vote out each government with contempt, assert their rights fearlessly and the strong links maintained by non-resident mallus with their roots. I was saddened by the floods that mercilessly made indelible marks deeper on the minds of my people than on the landscape, but the unity with which the people clawed back from the brink made my eyes well up with hope and pride.

Of late, things have changed. There has been a tectonic shift in the surface- but what has become frightfully obvious is that this is only an outpouring of emotions and fears that were so far tucked away in the dark recesses of the Malayali psyche. That these emotions have always existed is a fact to which I woke up only due to the recent incidents that have proved beyond doubt that Kerala is as susceptible to communal polarisation as any backward north Indian shrine is to political opportunism. These incidents were merely the first signs of black on my mind's canvas on which I had adoringly painted my land.

Until now, the abuses and shoutings that used to happen on facebook profiles of actresses and social activists were considered as a normal process of adjustment of a predominantly middle-aged and old society to the winds of change sweeping through the world. Assertiveness of women on the social scene, liberation of different sexual identities, openness in discussing hitherto taboo subjects like menstruation and sexual health were a progressive trend that met natural reactionary opposition like in any part of the world. I judged that openness and freedom were winning and the trolls and abuses were seen by me as the dying gasps of an outdated and soon to be abandoned conservatism, male chauvinism. Although I was not in favour of extreme reactions like "Kiss of Love" which was very nearly about challenging the other side to a fight and not a sincere attempt to reform, I felt such extreme steps are par for the course when reactionaries also go to the extreme level and contemptuously dismiss the need for any change.

But I was wrong. These reactions were the violent suppression of a much needed fledgling reform movement that could have ensured that women could safely drive their cars without getting abused at any time of the day. These reactions were meant to snuff out any attempt to change and not merely the last vestiges of a dark age. The kind of attack on women and children, will send a chill down the spine of even the most detached and indifferent braveheart. The fact these are coming out with alarming regularity makes me wonder how long "God's own country" has shrouded itself under the veneer of nature's bounty and social progress  without revealing the truth that is full of "Devil's own people".

Political activism is just a means for various political factions to capture power at the cost of innocent lives. While celebrating the unity and fortitude of the people in the aftermath of the floods, the revelation by a court appointed investigation that it was the ineptitude of the administration that caused the floods unwinds any claim to administrative and political progress in the state.

This is where Mumbai shows a different path- all the good, the bad and the ugly are laid bare. From the stark economic contrast to the indifference towards both the affairs of other people and environment degradation, the grimful days of communal riots, wounds of terrorism and the darkness of gang wars, the city has accepted it all and not denied or hidden anything. The kind of safety that women and children confidently enjoy, the freedom the city gives its students to pursue any career path- be it commerce or acting (unlike my state where you HAVE TO BE a doctor or an engineer), the freedom to mind my own business and my indifference to the life of others is something Kerala can learn from.

I do not want Kerala or any part of it to transform itself into a city of inequality where trampling the slower ones under the foot mad rush of life is essential for one's survival and creaking infrastructure that makes life just long journeys to and from work filled with uncertainties. But I wish my state would stay green, politically aware, forget religious differences and defend itself from selfish, shameless and crooked politicians, ruthless and unscrupulous businessmen and most dangerous of them all- indifferent people.

We the people need to stop suppressing and denying their own identity and need to confront it head on. We need to come out into the open and deal with all the festering issues in our mind- male superiority, obsession with flaunting wealth, disregard for nature ranging from encroachment on sensitive water bodies to unstable hillsides and lack of respect for labour. As the state with highest literacy in the country, we should also be leading the country in the fight against fake news, sensational reporting by media and fake social media posts and also online frauds.

However, we seem to be faring no better than the rest of the country in handling these issues. As Joseph Alex famously said, all of us need a huge dose of "Sense, Sensibility and Sensitivity" for things to get better. Although a famous movie dialogue, it fits in perfectly as a solution to the current issues we have in our state.
As I write this after a two week holiday in Kerala, I do not miss the place, I do not have pine for a life there, but I do wish things would get better there and that I am able to be a part o
f that transformation.

Machine, Witch and I

I am creating a post simply because I have time and have nothing to do but wait for others to do their job. But the results are with me and the final impact is quite clear, I will be very late to get home today. This happens more frequently than I would like and each time, as the fact that I would be stuck in office for the most flimsiest of reasons sink in, a tsunami of emotions well up in my mind accompanied by a tide of acidity in my stomach. Since these are unhealthy, I have tried to control my emotions and thus the gastronomic discomfort. However, bottling up emotions do not achieve anything and so I am trying to put a positive spin on my fortune.

I thought I would contemplate on the two novels written by Malayattoor Ramakrishnan that I have read. From amongst his oeuvre, I have read only "Yanthram" and "Yakshi", so it is not a fair way to judge or measure any author, let one one as prolific and acclaimed as Malayattoor. It is very obvious that I am not qualified to judge an author of such high calibre, so I would like to restrict myself to what I experienced while reading the book and how I felt about it.

Beautiful but terrible, that is the easiest way to describe "Yakshi". In every line, there is a sense of fear mixed with dejection. Even when there is hope, you know that there is a cloud of darkness that is growing stronger and since I was reading this at a time of great mental and physical discomfort for me, the novel brings back painful memories. But one thing that the novel abundantly makes clear is that it is neither the physical trauma nor its impact on his visage that drives the protagonist, but the loss of confidence and the resultant inferiority complex. Although it could be considered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I feel that there is more to the inferiority complex.

Although the actions of the protagonist have no similarities to what I did during that period, the gloom, dread, sense of despair were common which were amplified by my state of helplessness. I was stuck in a big city, alone and the "small fish in a big pond" had scared me no end. To the protagonist in "Yakshi", it was the mental trauma caused by an accident that pushes his mind to fill up with gloom and dread, which then starts to carve him apart from the inside. I realised I was doing something similar to myself and hence tried to handle it in a better way. It was all in my mind and it was definitely controllable if I just could accept reality.

However, I realised that I could not do anything to get a grip on my mind till the tide turned in my life. I was helpless and my life was at the mercy of everyone but me- the city, the job I had chosen, the people I lived, worked and travelled with- had more control over my fate than me. This is where I met Balachandran from "Yanthram"- someone who was able to hang on to the unstable, big and uncertain world into which he was suddenly thrown into. Although he loses who he is, gets sidelined frequently and even loses a sense of what is right and wrong, he does survive. But the terms of his survival are not his, they are determined by his own inferiority complex, a sense of desparation to do something remarkable and also his selfishness. I could not let these conquer me.

I realised I needed one thing to go well, a straw at which I can clutch and climb my way out of the pit I had dug my mind into. I was eventually able to do that and for now, I am still above ground.

Don't be Hasty

My father used to say, "In Mumbai everyone's got a wheel on their legs". I realised it is true the moment I reached this place. Right from the rush to exit the aircraft to the daily rush to board the local train, people here are in a hurry. It is not a hurry to get things done because if it was, they would not have thrown themselves into even an empty compartment where it is certain that there are seats for everyone waiting to board. This is the rule by which the place functions and then it seeps into the mind- it percolates into everything that one does and the change is irreversible for most.

The mind too attaches itself to a wheel- while legs carry the body to the train, mind is busy calculating which platform to board the train, which compartment to board, when to jump on board and then what to play on the mobile. Added to this haste is the distraction offered by electronic gadgets, social media, television and the traditional yellow papers. I don't even have the patience to list out all the distractions and I don't even have the time to think, collect my thoughts and put them down here.

So, I am here, I need to put down what I have learned after coming here and I cannot get up before this is complete. I have kept other gadgets away from reach and my mind, hoping I can force my mind to reach a logical destination. I need to not let the haste of my body reach my mind and brush aside all which does not let me go at my pace. The time I have been here has taught me a few things and I am trying to put that together what I want for myself, what I see as right and what I can do.

The first lesson is that I need to learn- this could be about my work, how to deal with people, how the market functions, how my own organisation functions and its pitfalls and the grim reality of post-truth hyperbole, ineptitude and unwieldiness that is haunting my country. Learning is to be better at my job and life and the exposure that I have had once I came to Mumbai has enabled me to change myself for the good to some extent. There are a lot of things that I am yet to implement and I need to start very soon with that.

Next lesson is to wear a mask- this mask is to not let people know who you are, what you are thinking at any particular moment and to be unpredictable. It helps because the world is not fair and even if you go with the best of intentions, someone will deliberately hit you with a truck and trample you. This would help you as it hides where you are going and how you are going.

Although I have had the policy of not trusting anyone, it has not been a sacrosanct commandment of mine. I need to follow this at any cost. Everyone has their own selfish interest and opportunities are few- just grab it no matter what. I do not want to harm or deliberately tarnish anyone, but I will stand up for myself and everything that is important to me.

Then, have clear priorities. To me, job is not a pathway to salvation and it is only a way to pay the bills. I have seen what goes on and it is not in the best interest of my survival to meddle in things beyond my grade or commit myself to more than what my pay justifies. My life is for me and my family- job can only take whatever is left behind, it cannot have the best of me. In the mad rush to survive in the job, for better appraisal, for foreign postings or promotions, there are those who forget themselves. I have seen those who cannot stand their peers take even a single step more than themselves or reach parity. They want to be in the limelight, at the forefront and with a clear lead over others- I do not wish to run myself out of breath trying to beat others.

There are new challenges getting ready as I write this and it will take a lot more than what I have to overcome those. I hope I am up to those and handle them without haste, at my own pace and on my terms. It is not always possible, but there is not limit to hope.