Photographic Memories

We used to take a photograph to permanently preserve a precious moment of our lives and sometimes the moment becomes precious just on account of the fact that it has been photographed. This was in the era when we were limited by the costs of a roll of film and processing it, along with the onerous tasks of preparing both the camera and ourselves for a shot and then finding a studio to convert the negatives into tangible photographs.

Nowadays, we take photographs not for memories but for instantly sharing it with the world. Rather than looking back at a time that has long gone by, we broadcast it for instant consumption and then discard it, not transfer, into a hard-disc (or google drive), rarely to be dug up or even remembered.

However, Google photos has taken a contrary position as it reminds us of various "pics", to use the contemporary term for photographs, we have taken over time and uploaded on Google. Since I am alone for most of the week, I go through these pics and recollect the context behind them- a birthday, a trip, a festival or an ordinary outing and in case of my daughter, just about any interesting thing she said or did during her first 2 years and they still bring a smile to my face.

When I go home, I show these pics to my daughter and she is as enthralled by her own antics as if she is watching her favorite disney princess movie. I also actively collude in her self indulgence.

However, I am not home during weekdays and only during weekends do I see my family. During most of the week, photographs are a reminder of what I miss each day since they not just show me random moments frozen in time, but I am usually able to place those moments as part of a bigger story about the events that surround each pic.

Thus, memories are not records of a happy past but a cruel and painful reminder of what I have lost and what I miss. This is especially true of all good memories that have been preserved in pics. They are proof of what I used to have and there is little hope of getting them back. I can see and almost feel, but can never reach them. The happy and peaceful moments are gone and I am drowning in uncertainty, anxiety and loneliness.

As far as memories of unpleasant experiences go, since they have not been photographed fortunately, they do not come up frequently. I am glad that they are over and hence it is a relief, but experience suggests that bad times repeat more often than good ones. Hence, they are scary reminders of what lies ahead.

Am I then condemned to be always haunted by memories, whether they are happy or sad? I do not want to carry them like a burden and I do not want to feel what is fondly called "nostalgia" for I have never understood why it is such a romanticised and glorified word as it only means reminders of a past long gone and unreachable.

I want to live in the present and look ahead to the future. I neither want to relive the pains of the past nor be reminded that I cannot get back what I once had. Past has got me to the present, but more than a sense of token gratitude, I cannot bear them as a burden anymore as they hurt me more than I can suffer.

I hope there is something in the future that is happy and worth living for. I wish that I am not past all the good times in my life and that there is more to be lived in gladness and peace.