Putting the two together, I make plans, I make God laugh and life just goes on. For the last 19 months, that has been the story of my life. It is not worth repeating every setback, large and small, but suffice it to say that my life has completely changed and I am at a complete loss as to what is happening.
Whether it is my child's health and education, my wife's illness, my mother's struggle with the suddenly enforced loneliness, my own hopeless efforts at work, I have had little say or part in any of it except as a member of the audience or at best, an unwitting participant from the audience.
It is my own life and I am just a spectator with no role, no control over the dialogue and no idea what is coming up. It is being played out infront of me and there is little I can do about what is happening.
Given this, I have decided to stop god from laughing. First, there are no more plans since I have realised that there is no point in them. I am not doing any self-destructive or just giving up, but I have stopped expecting anything from life, neither the bad nor the good.
Next, I have stopped believing in God. As a child, I used to pray for something for my benefit, then moved to wishing good for the world and my family, then to the right thoughts at the right time and none of these have ever worked.
The gradual shift happened since I realised that the first was just plain selfish and silly. Then, the second was a worthy cause and I tried to do something about it as well but it fell apart which led me to focus more on my own life but in an unselfish way. They have all fallen apart now and need a new way to see my relationship with God.
I am not going to be an atheist and outright deny the existence of god. But for me, the growing doubts have become too much to ignore. Earlier, I used to believe that no matter what happened to the rest of the world, at least there was some fairness in what was happening to me and hence there is a god and I need to be thankful for that.
But now, recent experiences have cast a pall of gloom so thick that I cannot see the point in a god. I would like to start with what is happening in the world because I admit that my problems and issues may be too small for god to be bothered.
Things are going wrong all over the word- war, famine, crime and disease- killing, injuring, hurting, starving and destroying people who have done nothing wrong! It is obvious that there is no fairness in this world. If there is no fairness, what is the point in believing in a God?
Then there is the question my mother asked a long time ago- if there is a God who determines how we live our life and is all powerful, then how can we be punished for what we did wrong when we did not even act of our own free will? I will drop this argument and admit that there is a god, but not the all powerful and all knowing provider of justice. Then what is God?
If God cannot even prioritise the destruction mankind is bringing up on itself and the planet, if he can allow war and rampant poverty, if he can allow one group of humans to subjugate and strangle another group to death, what is he doing? What greater task is he busying himself with?
Thus, as far as the world is concerned, there is no point in having a god as proved by whatever has been happening in the world since the dawn of time.
Then it is my personal stance and as far that is concerned, I have never believed in rituals and poojas and rites. There are some that offer us consolation and closure, like the last rites after a death- it gives us the relief that we have done all we can for that person and it is only for our peace of mind. I do not think there is an afterlife, last judgement, heaven or hell and that once we die, that is it. No matter what we say about soul, or as per hinduism, soul returning to the creator (vishnupadam, brahman etc), I believe the individual just ceases to exist and nothing more.
I believe that most rituals are merely eyewash, to provide an illusion of hope and there will be fairness in this world. It is to pull a veil of expectation that if we do the right thing, we will have a good life and the world will be kinder to us.
Then, it is about silent and unnoticed prayers and hope. I earlier mentioned that my trials and tribulations over the last year and a half have left me with little space for belief in god. Life just goes on and has taken me wherever it feels like and each day is a preparation for whatever worse is to come the next day.
There is no relief but only incessant challenges from which, not only there is no victory, but there is only the certainty of defeat and I feel this is the situation with everyone in the world. We have no chance to win because the world has infinite time and opportunities to knock us down and claim victory.
In this gloom, the only thing we can do is to be a little kinder to each other, reduce our selfishness, care and share what we have since all of us are facing our own battles and every speck of relief from the battle helps us live a little better.
We need to do this ourselves and no god is going to come by and shower us with blessings and luck and favourable circumstances. We need to take care of each other and the planet we live in. That is the only solution if we are to have any hope and future- it is not going to be in the hands of god, but in our collective, conscientious effort that we will find a better world.
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