For the last 3weeks, there has been little along the productive side except 10days of working out, lot of sleep and most importantly chill out and then freak out about what would happen in the future. I would be lying if I said the exam has not had an impact on me and for sometime, I thought it was just me, that it was just my usual habit of being apprehensive and nervous about everything, but realised that almost everyone who takes this exam is just as scared and apprehensive. It has been difficult to do anything that requires brain work, not
because there are no motivations since I have done a lot of things
without any motivation. It is only because UPSC civil service exam was high impact and I would like to figure out how and why the hangover is still not wearing off.
I have faced tougher exams with averages around 20%, highest score was near 50% and everyone was swearing at the person who set the paper. We felt they were trying to prove a point, it was almost a vendetta. This has happened a lot of times too. I have also faced exams where I have been downright pathetic (10 out of 75) but there were people who were disappointed they would get only 70 out of 75. There have been exams where the syllabus was simply too vast to cover for a normal human being and yet in none of these situations have I experienced the sort of fear or apprehension that I currently feel.
I have written exams that have determined my future- AIEEE, JEE, BITSAT and I have been pathetic in some, decent in a few and been depressed due to my own failure. I have faced the uncertainty too since results were out only after a couple of months. I had spend two years preparing for these entrance tests and yet nothing compares with the impact that the civil service exams have had. In fact, the dedicated preparation for civil service exams lasted for just 7months. Even though the gap between each stage is only 3months, it adds up to a process that takes well over a year and that nearly exhausts our patience.
Over 4.5lakh people apply for civil service and only 2.5lakh take the prelims and then only around twelve thousand qualify for mains. So the number of people applying wasn't highly significant. One could say that those who qualified for the mains exam were highly competitive and I have not competed with such high numbers. The only similar experience being the battle against 600 batchmates during the first two years in college and a large majority of them were extremely competitive.
Chemistry was a subject that I was very used to and perhaps the only time in college I put my heart and brains into a subject. It did bring a lot of success and happiness to me and so preparing for Chemistry optional paper wasn't a colossal task. The essay paper too was not totally new to me thanks to my habit of blogging, pointless free writing and rambling on about even insignificant issues. But there was preparation practice required for these too, adding to the over all impact.
This how the impact took shape, not on their own or all of a sudden- they added up to form one huge complex force- a huge syllabus, long gestation period, competition, life altering experience and the difficulty in syllabus have not come together at the same time ever before. However, the major impacts came from a few issues that I have not faced before.
The syllabus covered was definitely vast, with General Studies alone enough to drive a person into insanity. The mere fact that it has no specific syllabus except vague statements like issues of current national and international importance, science and technology meant that one had to swallow a lot of information and analyse them. Public Administration was entirely new to me and had to start from scratch here. I was then informed that rbrn those who have been teaching public administration for over 30 years haven't become experts in the field and cannot comprehend it fully. Add to it the issues of Indian public administration, its evolution and the challenging times we live in, the labyrinth made me lose my mind at times. Another challenge was about writing 2 exams of three hours each every day and that too on consecutive days. It was physically draining, but the scheduling made it a bit easier. After GS on the first day, non-evaluative language papers on the next day meant little pressure and the essay paper as the lone exam on the third day gave a little breathing space for public administration two days. Chemistry was a good 10days later and this meant even though the schedule was challenging, it was not a harrowing experience.
After the exam, it is the fear and apprehension that remains and the extremely scary worst case scenarios. These too add to the impact through regular aftershocks. Thus, the coming together of a lot of small incremental factors and a few major factors mean that the exam has an impact that does not easily wear off. In fact, I am glad that there is a 3month break before the next stage because for the last few months, it has just been about me- me wanting to do the exam well, me wanting to study a lot, me spending most of my time reading and writing, me being aloof from everything, me giving up a lot of things that I like, me, me and me. I even lost focus of why I want join the civil service in the first and it too was infiltrated by the "me, exam" obsession.
It is time to get back to shape, literally and figuratively, since I have gained not just a few extra kilos. Need to get back to quizzing, novels, movies, but most importantly if I am to get what I want or rather be what I want and do what I can because I deserve it, I have to gain back why I want to do this and only that can make all this effort and hardship worthwhile.
I have faced tougher exams with averages around 20%, highest score was near 50% and everyone was swearing at the person who set the paper. We felt they were trying to prove a point, it was almost a vendetta. This has happened a lot of times too. I have also faced exams where I have been downright pathetic (10 out of 75) but there were people who were disappointed they would get only 70 out of 75. There have been exams where the syllabus was simply too vast to cover for a normal human being and yet in none of these situations have I experienced the sort of fear or apprehension that I currently feel.
I have written exams that have determined my future- AIEEE, JEE, BITSAT and I have been pathetic in some, decent in a few and been depressed due to my own failure. I have faced the uncertainty too since results were out only after a couple of months. I had spend two years preparing for these entrance tests and yet nothing compares with the impact that the civil service exams have had. In fact, the dedicated preparation for civil service exams lasted for just 7months. Even though the gap between each stage is only 3months, it adds up to a process that takes well over a year and that nearly exhausts our patience.
Over 4.5lakh people apply for civil service and only 2.5lakh take the prelims and then only around twelve thousand qualify for mains. So the number of people applying wasn't highly significant. One could say that those who qualified for the mains exam were highly competitive and I have not competed with such high numbers. The only similar experience being the battle against 600 batchmates during the first two years in college and a large majority of them were extremely competitive.
Chemistry was a subject that I was very used to and perhaps the only time in college I put my heart and brains into a subject. It did bring a lot of success and happiness to me and so preparing for Chemistry optional paper wasn't a colossal task. The essay paper too was not totally new to me thanks to my habit of blogging, pointless free writing and rambling on about even insignificant issues. But there was preparation practice required for these too, adding to the over all impact.
This how the impact took shape, not on their own or all of a sudden- they added up to form one huge complex force- a huge syllabus, long gestation period, competition, life altering experience and the difficulty in syllabus have not come together at the same time ever before. However, the major impacts came from a few issues that I have not faced before.
The syllabus covered was definitely vast, with General Studies alone enough to drive a person into insanity. The mere fact that it has no specific syllabus except vague statements like issues of current national and international importance, science and technology meant that one had to swallow a lot of information and analyse them. Public Administration was entirely new to me and had to start from scratch here. I was then informed that rbrn those who have been teaching public administration for over 30 years haven't become experts in the field and cannot comprehend it fully. Add to it the issues of Indian public administration, its evolution and the challenging times we live in, the labyrinth made me lose my mind at times. Another challenge was about writing 2 exams of three hours each every day and that too on consecutive days. It was physically draining, but the scheduling made it a bit easier. After GS on the first day, non-evaluative language papers on the next day meant little pressure and the essay paper as the lone exam on the third day gave a little breathing space for public administration two days. Chemistry was a good 10days later and this meant even though the schedule was challenging, it was not a harrowing experience.
After the exam, it is the fear and apprehension that remains and the extremely scary worst case scenarios. These too add to the impact through regular aftershocks. Thus, the coming together of a lot of small incremental factors and a few major factors mean that the exam has an impact that does not easily wear off. In fact, I am glad that there is a 3month break before the next stage because for the last few months, it has just been about me- me wanting to do the exam well, me wanting to study a lot, me spending most of my time reading and writing, me being aloof from everything, me giving up a lot of things that I like, me, me and me. I even lost focus of why I want join the civil service in the first and it too was infiltrated by the "me, exam" obsession.
It is time to get back to shape, literally and figuratively, since I have gained not just a few extra kilos. Need to get back to quizzing, novels, movies, but most importantly if I am to get what I want or rather be what I want and do what I can because I deserve it, I have to gain back why I want to do this and only that can make all this effort and hardship worthwhile.
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