It has been nearly three years since I left the safety of a comfortable job and jumped into the civil service exam fold. It has brought mostly heartbreak and not more than a few glimmers of hope. But what I do have to cherish are the friends I made in this time, some old friends I preserved and an old friend I got back in touch with. The final results are not out yet but I think it is time for me to move on because I have given it all I had both in terms of effort and sacrifice. I cannot do any better and I cannot carry on without a job- it is time to begin building my life.
But I am glad I took the plunge. It has enabled me to appreciate the importance of friends, it has convinced me of the simple fact that we are all social animals at times of both joy and sorrow- joy is meaningless without anyone to share it with while sorrow is unbearable without anyone to console us. It destroyed who I was and created a new person who is now optimistic and unafraid of uncertainties. Experience has now convinced me, despite heavy resistance from me and after repeated lessons which got harder each time, that fear and tension about the future are better left neglected.
Attempts at civil service exams have therefore been a journey of self-discovery and self-self improvement. But as I said earlier, it is time to move on and get back to reality and life. It is as part of that exercise that I rejoined facebook after a hiatus of over 3 years. The break had nothing to do with civil service exams but was due to the overwhelming sense of frustration and even anger at what used to appear on facebook.
But right now, I have decided to rejoin due to three main reasons. Firstly, I have decided to let people be if they want to promote themselves and present their awesome lives, let them. I have realised that my life and my happiness is decided by me. Secondly, I needed to get back to reality. The world had passed me by while I was stationary with civil service exams. My friends have moved on to their next jobs or completed their Masters (mostly abroad or in top institutes in India) and some of them have got married. A few have also accomplished many of the things they wanted to in life. Facebook thus serves as a wake up call, motivation to rebuild my life and stop my feeling of guilt for having settled for something lower than what I wanted. In the short period since I have rejoined, I have realised that joining SBI was right and I could not have waited any longer as time was literally running out for me to start a career. The third reason is that it is time I fell back into the grid. I had no idea what people have been upto and they have no clue whether I am alive or not.
One factor which has enabled me to accept the transition is the fact that despite having to settle for less that I wanted, what I now have suits exactly who I am fundamentally. I love familiar surroundings- language, food and movies especially. I love to go home and meet my family regularly. I would have been happy with a job that paid decently to meet my needs, family needs and build up sufficient savings for the future- home, children, retirement and emergencies. I do not want a highly competitive career because I am not an ambitious person. This was the original me that existed before I went to university, but had disappeared in my struggle to survive the competition there. I had to become ambitious and competitive and I did become that. I chased down goals and gave more than my best, I worked hard and carried on despite failures and opposition.
But perhaps I have had enough of that. I think it is time to use all the lessons from civil service struggles and university to my present life to make it more easy. The competitiveness and ambition, the ability to withstand hardship and uncertainty will be handy when I face life. I learnt to fight against the best and won a few battles (the war is still undecided as I write now). These will definitely come in handy when I face future battles, much easier and relevant to the fundamental me, for which I have been made ready by my past. That is perhaps why I went through university and civil service exams- to give me all the weapons and more, needed to fight the simple battles of my simple life and emerge victorious in those.
I therefore begin with hope. I am moving on to a new life....
But I am glad I took the plunge. It has enabled me to appreciate the importance of friends, it has convinced me of the simple fact that we are all social animals at times of both joy and sorrow- joy is meaningless without anyone to share it with while sorrow is unbearable without anyone to console us. It destroyed who I was and created a new person who is now optimistic and unafraid of uncertainties. Experience has now convinced me, despite heavy resistance from me and after repeated lessons which got harder each time, that fear and tension about the future are better left neglected.
Attempts at civil service exams have therefore been a journey of self-discovery and self-self improvement. But as I said earlier, it is time to move on and get back to reality and life. It is as part of that exercise that I rejoined facebook after a hiatus of over 3 years. The break had nothing to do with civil service exams but was due to the overwhelming sense of frustration and even anger at what used to appear on facebook.
But right now, I have decided to rejoin due to three main reasons. Firstly, I have decided to let people be if they want to promote themselves and present their awesome lives, let them. I have realised that my life and my happiness is decided by me. Secondly, I needed to get back to reality. The world had passed me by while I was stationary with civil service exams. My friends have moved on to their next jobs or completed their Masters (mostly abroad or in top institutes in India) and some of them have got married. A few have also accomplished many of the things they wanted to in life. Facebook thus serves as a wake up call, motivation to rebuild my life and stop my feeling of guilt for having settled for something lower than what I wanted. In the short period since I have rejoined, I have realised that joining SBI was right and I could not have waited any longer as time was literally running out for me to start a career. The third reason is that it is time I fell back into the grid. I had no idea what people have been upto and they have no clue whether I am alive or not.
One factor which has enabled me to accept the transition is the fact that despite having to settle for less that I wanted, what I now have suits exactly who I am fundamentally. I love familiar surroundings- language, food and movies especially. I love to go home and meet my family regularly. I would have been happy with a job that paid decently to meet my needs, family needs and build up sufficient savings for the future- home, children, retirement and emergencies. I do not want a highly competitive career because I am not an ambitious person. This was the original me that existed before I went to university, but had disappeared in my struggle to survive the competition there. I had to become ambitious and competitive and I did become that. I chased down goals and gave more than my best, I worked hard and carried on despite failures and opposition.
But perhaps I have had enough of that. I think it is time to use all the lessons from civil service struggles and university to my present life to make it more easy. The competitiveness and ambition, the ability to withstand hardship and uncertainty will be handy when I face life. I learnt to fight against the best and won a few battles (the war is still undecided as I write now). These will definitely come in handy when I face future battles, much easier and relevant to the fundamental me, for which I have been made ready by my past. That is perhaps why I went through university and civil service exams- to give me all the weapons and more, needed to fight the simple battles of my simple life and emerge victorious in those.
I therefore begin with hope. I am moving on to a new life....
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