New Meaning of Nostalgia

Change is difficult for me to accept and I try to go back to my past every now and then. Recently, my family moved to a flat in Kochi near Changampuzha Park while I continued in Mumbai and visited on alternate weekends. In addition to the releif and battery recharge from meeting my family, I looked forward to being in familiar territory - I lived and went to school 2km from the place.

As if this wasn't enough, I have now bought a flat in the same area despite being certain of the fact that I won't be living there for the next 20 years at least. Familiarity is not just comforting but also gives a feeling that things are going well.

However, each time I go back to Mumbai, I feel I'm out of place. Even worse, each time I go to Kerala, there's something different about the place. There's a slow, constant but noticeable change which means that home exists only in the past.

It has brought me to the realisation that once we leave a place, it will exist only in the past even if we are able to come back physically to that place. The real meaning of time being the fourth dimension hit me hard.

This tendency to cling on to the past isn't healthy, but perhaps it's too late for me. I was hoping that it's not a genetic trait despite evidence to the contrary as my actions are quite similar to what my father had done during this age in his life- find a home in the place he used to live during his teen years, try to repeatedly go back to that place despite work being thousands of miles away.

Unfortunately, my daughter seems to have been bitten by the nostalgia bug. She's by all measures a plant that has not been allowed to firmly strike roots- moving to Mumbai at 7 months, then back to Kochi at 2.5 years, moving schools and residence within Kochi, making and losing friends every year. Now, she's just moved to Mumbai but we had to come back within a week of the move due to a family health concern. 

In this one week, she said goodbye to get old school and her grandparents, moved to Mumbai, went to a new school for a day and is now back in Kerala. She saw the promises of her old school and expressed her desire to go back. She mentioned that she dreamt about her old school. She was definitely glad to be in familiar territory.

I had thought that repeated movements would have obviated the concept of a stable home.and long-lasting friendships and kept nostalgia at bay. I had hoped that she wouldn't be as sentimental as me about her past. 

There is still time for her to believe that only the present matters and looking back to the past is a futile exercise while we need to be ready for an uncertain future. I do not think she'll be able realise this though. I'm not even sure if it's a good thing. 

One of the cousins my father had once told me the it's important to be aware if and hold onto one's roots. His experience as a national level floater and now an international level floater makes his view a valid one. 

However, my experience only suggests that roots are a burden- an emotional one that makes you vulnerable and not fully enjoy the present surroundings, a physical one since it forces you to attempt to go back to where you started from and perhaps even a financial one since flight tickets and real estate at home is expensive.

I do not know what is right. Perhaps, she will be able to find a better way to deal with it than I have been able to so far. Perhaps she'll be able to feel at home wherever she is and also maintain an identity of her own.